The day starts and she's sick. She cries. She's demanding. Cuddy obviously would love to be able to give her all her time, all her love, all her care... but she can't. And so, the first feeling that pervades her is worry, then guilt, then helplessness. The relief on Cuddy's face when Marina, the nanny, arrives is obvious. And the way she later confesses to Lucas that Rachel's been terrorizing her all morning shows that she maybe still hasn't gotten rid of all her mother's expectations about the perfect fulfilling life she'd wished she would live with a child. Yes, Cuddy is an anxious mother. She knows she can't fail and she's so afraid she might that she just obsessively needs to reassure herself that everything's fine, by trying compulsively to reach the nanny over the phone all day long; because if everything's not fine, she'd probably blame herself. Still, she seems comfortable in her mother's role, but she doesn't completely let go yet. It's probable that the minute she decided to have a child, she certainly wasn't aware it would burdened her forever with the most difficult challenge of her life: take care of another life and deal with every distressing risk of failing she would necessary encounter throughout the process. And for a woman like Cuddy, so desperately in need to control everything, to succeed in what she does, to settle for nothing less than perfection, embracing the mother's role is indeed a challenge. Raising a child is NOT the perfect picture they describe in books. And Cuddy had to learn how to accept that idea, which was not easy at first, because when she first got Rachel, despite all her desperate efforts to do everything just right, the crushing realization that reality would not always be perfect almost cost her to reconsider her wish to become a mother. At first, what Cuddy wanted was not the child, it was the dream of having a child that she'd read about. And when she realized that Rachel was real and not meeting her dreamed standards, she got scared, she panicked and she even tried to run and hide back in the hospital. In 5.12 "Big Baby" she'd even come in Wilson's office, and she'd confessed to him: "I feel like I'm in prison at home, I feel like I'm free here."

But one year later, despite the fact that she's still obviously stressed when she seems to lose control or when things don't go just as planned, the difference is huge. She unquestionably loves her job, and she's undeniably good at it. She rules PPTH masterfully. She's still this determined uncompromising woman, forcefully standing for her principles, knowing what she wants and how to get it. But at the end of her day, she's not avoiding home anymore. She has someone to come to, waiting for her. And it makes her want to leave early. It gives her a reason to "have a life outside of work". And that person she comes home to is the steadiest element in her life. The first; because while Cuddy lovingly strokes Rachel's back at the end of her day, with all the love she has for her child in her eyes, it becomes suddenly evident that this little sleeping body she's been worrying about all day is everything for her: Rachel determines her actions, her choices, the compromises she makes. She's undeniably the one element that Cuddy knows will be a constant, so it's also the one element she's learned not to be afraid of. Because in the way Cuddy strokes her daughter, it's clear that she knows she doesn't have to pretend. She can be herself, because Rachel will always be part of her life, no matter if she succeeds or not, if she's in a relationship or not, if she's stays Dean or not. Rachel is in Cuddy's life and it's THE element that can be removed out of the equation for anyone who'd want to be part of her life.

2nd Element: the blackberry (there's of course the object, but there's also what he represents, which is work...)

What does Cuddy's professional life look like? All there is to say is that "5 to 9" gives quite a breathtaking (literally, I mean) answer to that. But still, that's not really a standard day in Cuddy's professional life either. It most certainly illustrates the fast pace of what seems to be her daily routine, as we see her run in every direction, deal with several things at the same time, almost always carrying a file (each time for a different reason) in her hand, while she's trying to focus on the main goal of her day, but gets systematically diverted from it, by inopportune occurrences of annoying events. So a sort of an unusual usual day, if such thing exists.

What makes that day special? It's the issue at stake. The contract PPTH has with Atlanticnet insurance ("the largest healthcare provider in New Jersey") is up that day, after 8 months of negotiations. Cuddy's final offer is clear and definite: "we’re willing to go with the capitated structure, but we need at least 12% increase in reimbursements across the Board". Atlanticnet insurance, on the other hand, offers only 4% at first. The war of nerves then ensues, with escalation in stubbornness and determination from Cuddy's part, who is not willing to yield. She threatens to terminate the contract if she doesn't get what she wants. When she then informs the Board of her decision, and the way she intends to carry this negotiation, she's given 'carte blanche' to do what she feels she has to, but it's also meant pretty clear to her that she hasn't got the right to fail. If she does and PPTH loses the contract with Altanticnet, she loses her job as Dean as well. The deadline is 3pm. Take it or leave it, is her motto. First, she gets 8%, which is presented to her like a huge and rather significant gesture, but which she only sees as the confirmation that she's right to resist, and ask for those 12% she wants; so more stubbornness and more determination are added to her desperate race against time. But as the hours go by and there're still no signs that Atlanticnet is willing to concede, at 3pm, Cuddy's at bay: she has no other choice but to announce that she's decided to terminate the contract, in front of a full lecture hall of dazed employees, while plainly aware of the inevitable upcoming suicide she's committing, for herself and her hospital, if this last desperate stubborn gesture doesn't make the insurance company react before the day ends.

Meanwhile and still waiting for a miracle to happen, Cuddy doesn't have a minute of respite, as life irremediably goes on at PPTH, and as it turns out, it really is a pretty wild one on that day. Like a silent tribute to Murphy's law, indeed, it seems like nothing is going right, and Cuddy keeps facing inconveniencing events one after the other: she's forced to fire her pharm tech, because she finds out that the woman's embezzled a whole shipment of meds, which at first Cuddy thinks was just a onetime thing but appears to be recurrent (since she's actually supplying a meth lab). She has to deal with a guy, whose thumb has been surgically reattached after he cut it off his hand, who's suing the hospital, pretending he never wanted it to be fixed, which is in fact an excuse not to pay the huge bill he still owes to the hospital since his insurance covers only 60% of all his medical expenses. She's forced to interrupt her administrative duty to make a clinic consult, and ends up dealing with a patient, who has cancer and came to ask a prescription for 'breast milk', which of course she refuses to give. Finally, one of the surgeons engages himself in a fist fight with Chase, because of some personal pride issues, and she has to separate the wrestlers.

It's non-stop. So the tension grows, and it grows and it grows and at some point, like a volcano threatening to explode, she can't face it anymore. Atlanticnet insurance doesn't call back, and to top all this mess, she has to deal with her own worry about her daughter, not getting better, and the frustration of not being able to be with her. So what does she do? In an instinctual outburst: she flies away. For a minute, completely overwhelmed; because she needs to leave all of that troubling atmosphere behind to think, about herself, about what she wants, about what options she has left, about what she's going to do if she's fired by the Board. But she's proud, so she contemplates the idea of quitting instead, to make it her choice. A forced one, a hard one visibly, but the only one left she can make. And just when she's about to go hand her resignation to the Board, Eli Morgan, Atlanticnet' lawyer comes back to tell her that her stubbornness finally got her "her 12".

She's won. As the day comes to an end at PPTH, she's finally gotten what she wanted and everything seems to fall back in place. Yes, she contemplated leaving but she didn't really have to step in that extreme territory. She's saved by the bell. Would she have done it? For real? Was she really considering that possibility? Maybe she was, because of her steadiest element, waiting for her at home, who made her indisputably reconsider her priorities. But the probability is she wasn't. Because she couldn't. At the end of this day what we see of Cuddy is the woman House perfectly described in his portrayal of her as a boss in "Humpty Dumpty".

"You see the world as it is and you see the world as it should be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant chasm in between. (...) You're not happy unless things are just right, which means two things: you're a good boss. And you'll never be happy."

Cuddy is an idealist. But the beauty of it is that she also has enough balls to stand up for her principles. Even when they're unrealistic, she defends them. She's a believer. Maybe she doesn't see the "giant chasm in between", but her faith, her pride and her stubbornness gives her the strength to jump over it, when everybody else thinks this is pure madness. When Cuddy goes to present her strategy to the Board and tells every doctor present what her plan is (terminate, if they don't get the 12% bump before 3pm) the first reaction is: "Are you out of your mind? If we don't accept Atlanticnet insurance, we'll lose 80% of our patients. We'd be lucky to last three months" (which, of course, seems like a reasonable concern) But Cuddy, even if she perfectly knows the risks, even if she sees them, is still willing to go for it, because, in her world, it's fair. Why couldn't they get a 12% bump, when they're good at what they do, and when the insurance company obviously pays more than that to certain of their clients?

That, is Cuddy's (un)realistic vision of the world: she needs to make things right, just like House said. And it may look very scary and completely stupid from an outside point of view, but "fortune favors the brave" and at the end of the day, Cuddy is the bravest. Thanks to her sassiness and determination, she manages to stride across the threatening giant chasm everyone else thought was insuperable. She's the only one willing to go that far just because she cares. Because, one other important point, is that she really does that for selfless reasons. She obviously doesn't seek personal glory. Her devotion for her work is not a fake. She's really prepared to do anything for her hospital; because, it's like a second child for her, her first child. During all those years while she had nothing in her life other than this hospital to take care of, she really grew a very special bond with it. and throughout her day, what we get to witness is that, just as a mother would do, she is genuinely protective for PPTH. She wants the best for it. and she's willing to make sacrifices for it to.

So at the end of the day, what we see is that this second element, even if there're moments when she re-assesses its priority and its importance is as unchanging, necessary, and steady as Rachel is. She won't give up on it. Because she needs that in her life: it's who she is. And that spontaneous "YES!" she shouts in the middle of the lobby (even if it was a little 'too much', and almost unrealistic) was done only to emphasize that: the genuineness of her involvement for this hospital. She has more than a job there, obviously: and to the people she fights for, she's certainly more than just a cold boss.

The first thing that struck me is that, supposedly being Cuddy's partner, lover, man or whatever... I was expecting Lucas (with greeted teeth) to be supportive. Because that's his role. That's who he's supposed to be, for Cuddy: he's supposed be the one standing at her side, who understands her, soothes her, eases her day, cares. And he's not. And that's not even a debatable question, since every single action he initiates during the day to do things right, are just clumsy failed attempts that lead nowhere or... not far...

But actually, that didn't come as a complete surprise to me. From what we already saw of him, that guy has a creepy tendency of being quite inappropriate in what he does (the breakfast scene in "Known Unknowns" and this perfectly uncalled-for comment about House's delusion. The living room scene in "Teamwork" and his unexpected surprising description of the perfect little family, which sounded more like a convenient (manipulative?) echo of Cuddy's dream than his own wish. The cafeteria scene in "Moving the Chains", and his childish bragging way of threatening House, claiming a superiority he most certainly doesn't have. The scene in Cuddy's office, later in the same episode, and his obsessive, unsure, annoying way of making Cuddy feel guilty about a lost condo she however obviously doesn't care about...)

So, little by little, we'd learned to know Lucas better. Who he is. Where he stands in Cuddy's life. What's his role. And even why, to certain extent, Cuddy chose him and stayed with him, despite the fact that the more we look at it, the more we'd want to yell and scream at this unbearable situation in a "WTF is she still doing with that dumb useless guy?" irrepressible outburst. But we hold it back (at least we try, really, really hard) because there is a purpose. Yes, there is.

And Lisa Edelstein herself has explained it quite simply in the numerous interviews she gave to promote "5 to 9": this hectic day in Cuddy's life, in addition to show how tough and determined and good she is at her job, was also a pretext to establish the nude raw (and rather cruel) difference there is between her relationship with Lucas and her relationship with House. And to whose advantage? It certainly is no longer hard to find the answer after Monday's episode. One would think that because Lucas has got full access to Cuddy's love rug, he's therefore the luckiest one, and that his relationship with Cuddy should instantly be declared the best one (At least, in the storyline, I'm ready to bet that it's what Lucas probably thinks) And yet, it takes so much more than that to make a deep, intense relationship between two people. And the more the story unfolds, the more we're given clear hints that Lucas is in fact practically only a tool ("boy toy", as House calls him, probably for the immature aspect he's gotten the privilege to witness, sums it up rather nicely). He "shows up" and it seems to be convenient enough for Cuddy. She obviously has him wrapped around her finger, which gives her the comfortable feeling that she's the one making the decisions, all while being able to gain some extra advantages out of it: the home made meals, the babysitting, the sex. (Parenthetically, it's interesting to point out that this "who's the one wearing pants in the relationship?" question doesn't seem to be an issue between Lucas and Cuddy. For Cuddy, controlling things is undeniably important, and luckily enough for her, Lucas obviously complies with her requests quite docilely. He's just happy to be there and he doesn't really seem like the guy willing to take initiatives, at least not the constructive kind. Whereas, with House, and I'm sure that Cuddy certainly already gave it a real thought - hence the reluctance to make the step forward - things would undoubtedly be different, but also certainly exciting; because, despite his childish side, House perfectly knows how to make Cuddy do exactly what he wants... and that would certainly spice their relationship up, even if it could easily get exhausting - at least, if we're only projecting the idea of it - just as Cuddy must do, through their challenging professional interactions...)

Anyway, was this enough good a reason to settle for the easy solution? At first, maybe; it's probable that at some point (just like House does) Cuddy feared that she would end up alone. But contrary to him, she decided to do something. Going for Lucas was not the most thrilling choice but, given the fact that she'd spent most of her life longing for House (who at the culminating point of last season, clearly proved to be the worst inappropriate man she could choose to share her life with) at least in comparison, Lucas had the advantage of being the available uncomplicated one, in a moment when Cuddy needed it the most. So, when Lucas showed up, it surely seemed like a sane safe choice for Cuddy. At that time. But now? The cards are changing hands. House is no longer the unreliable, almost mad, drug addict, selfish unemotional cranky jerk. And Lucas, well Lucas, he doesn't seem to be that reliable, smart, confident, caring guy Cuddy craves.

How much do the homemade meals, the babysitting, the sex still weigh in the balance? And, above all, how long before it becomes irrelevant to take them into account, compared to the excitement, the connection, the intellectual challenge, and the games Cuddy has with House? Especially since, in "5 to 9", the illustrations of all those allegedly alleviating little things Lucas is supposed to give Cuddy, are far from being conclusive, and that's why instead of enjoying them, as we've mostly seen Cuddy do until then (smiling blissfully in warm peaceful halos) it was rather obvious that she was beginning to be upset by their constant ill-timed occurrences.

First, the promised to be soothing sex session which turns into a frustrating two-minute fiasco. What do we learn from that? That Lucas is not a fulfilling lover? Probably not. Let's be realistic, Cuddy must certainly get what she wants in that field. The interesting thing, however, which may well be the explanation for Lucas' consecutive failure to perform, is the context of that particular morning. The "sorry it's hard to pace yourself when you've been thinking about it for ten hours straight" that Lucas pants, with a not even sorry for himself or Cuddy idiotic smile, proves to be quite awkward when we later discover that the quickie (which really earned his nickname) was in fact the result of a bet between House and Lucas. As Cuddy later walks into PPTH, House is already there, waiting for her, and as he follows her in her office, he seizes the occasion of teasing her with this weird, almost disturbing confession.

"I was with your boy toy on a stake out last night. (...) Things got a little slow so we made some wages; one being that I could get you to stop the miscegenation with an emergency page."

"What makes you think we'd-"

"He said you guys did it every morning."

"Everybody lies, remember?"

Several things come to mind from this almost Vaudeville situation. The first one is that Cuddy, although she bravely tries to hide it from House, realizes (probably not at once, but eventually, in the car scene) that this bet means she's been used, by her 'boyfriend', for bragging purposes... The second thing is that, given House's mischief and the intriguing reasons that made him hang out with Lucas all night in the first place, this little humiliating bet thing has surely been made purposely (House wouldn't just hang out with Lucas, his rival, only because it's fun...). So, the first reason for House to pretend to 'bond' with Lucas is probably to investigate the subject: sex is indeed (though not the only one) a good indicator of the health of a relationship. And secondly, House certainly made this bet with the deliberate intention of letting Cuddy know about it: as another seed, implanted subtly, to trigger the thought process in her mind and make her start wondering what she really gets compared to what she really wants (as Sun Tsu wisely advised us in 'The Art of War': "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"). However, all while executing this little evil plan, and although he bravely tries to hide it from Cuddy, House must certainly deeply suffers to hear about the details of Cuddy's sex life. But "the ends justify the means" and House probably knows that the reward is worth the price to pay. Still, his constant curiosity about the subject, throughout the whole episode (he brings it up in the conversation at least on three different occasions) shows that it most certainly was not easy for him to deal with it, especially when, as he says to Cuddy: "He [Lucas] said you guys did it every morning."

And I actually wondered if it was something Lucas had really confessed (or more like bragged about, since it's obviously untrue) or if it was just a clever bluff from House's part, forcing Cuddy to reveal more about a private aspect of her life she'd usually want to keep secret. Whichever it is, Cuddy's answer (so spontaneous that it speaks of the truth) "everybody lies, remember?" undeniably seems to relieve House a bit.

Finally, another thing that this little bet reveals is that, regarding Lucas (in case someone was still questioning his insecurity at this point) there is now no possible remaining doubts: he's obviously not comfortable enough in his so-called perfect relationship with Cuddy if he feels the need to bring proof about it, by accepting (or initiating?) bets about his sex life with a man he sees as a competitor and hence certainly (and really immaturely) obsesses about.

Around lunch, Lucas suddenly shows up, and Cuddy quite instantly lets him know about what she thinks of his behavior, showing more with a glare than with words that she really disapproves of what he did. However, by chance for Lucas (at least now) Cuddy doesn't have any time to waste over this, as she is too focused on her professional issues to really call him on that. Still, it's clear that, even if lessened by the context of her day, this bet planted a seed in Cuddy's mind, which has good chances to grow into a weed. [And an interesting thing to note is that the very little anger and disappointment Cuddy is displaying in that moment is towards Lucas only, not House. She doesn't even seem to be angry at him...]

So, lunchtime, and Lucas arrives. He's cooked her something and is there to bring it to her. Nice? In the intention, surely. In the timing? Not so much. Cuddy's obviously in a hurry, and the only thing that she needs at this point is a connection with her home. And that's what she impatiently awaits: an update on her sick child current status. Not the spinach lasagnas she doesn't give a crap about. Rachel is sick. Lucas should know that this is important for Cuddy. He should give her news, reassure her (even Atlanticnet's lawyer mentions it - sarcastically but he does - to show he understands Cuddy's concern about her daughter) But instead, Lucas just adds fuel to the fire, increasing Cuddy's worry by telling her about a rash she isn't aware of. And when Cuddy, clearly distressed, tries to call the nanny, it appears that she can't because 1/ Lucas took her cell phone with him by mistake, and 2/ she can't reach her at home either because he turned the ringer off on the phone so he could sleep.

"What are you doing to me?" is Cuddy's helpless consecutive question and it says a lot about what she feels of this whole situation in that precise moment. And the most (shocking) obvious thing is that it also proves Lucas really doesn't know squat about Cuddy's life. And yet, he's probably a very good investigator, with a good intuition too. So the fact that he really can't put all those hints together to understand (and possibly) satisfy, or even anticipate Cuddy's needs, shows that he doesn't actually care. What matters to him is the satisfying things HE can get out of this relationship. He's not complicated, indeed, but he's not very helpful either. And, despite the appearances, there is more and more obvious clues to tell us that Cuddy is getting unnerved and disappointed, about how her life really looks like. And it may be very likely that she is becoming slowly (but surely) aware that it is not the satisfying one she wants.

However, Lucas has some "useful" sides. He can come up with ideas that helps Cuddy in her battle to win the negotiations against Atlanticnet insurance. But, the thing is, it's also like anything else Lucas brings her: it's only partially satisfying. It only goes half way to the point. He gives her info on the Atlanticnet's CEO that Cuddy then tracks down in a restaurant but the things she threatens him with don't really seem to impress him that much. Later, it appears that it gets Cuddy to obtain an 8% bump instead of the initial 4, but it's not all that she wanted.

That's the thing with Lucas: from a distant observing point, he seems to be helping, to be here, to satisfy Cuddy's needs. "He seems." That's indeed the key word. At first, he is absolutely able to fool anyone into thinking he could be the man. The exact impression House has within the glance he gave at the perfect family scene from the hotel's balcony in "Known Unknowns": "He looks like a guy who'd be here every day." But the deeper we explore the reality of the relationship, the more it reveals flaws, cracks, deceptions... because the truth is Lucas can't give it all: sex, babysitting, advice, support, understanding... he's here, helping, trying, with this offhanded juvenile nonchalance, but he doesn't meet Cuddy's expectations. Episode after episode, event after event, everything begins to indicate that Lucas is not that perfect guy Cuddy would have wished he'd be; and what's more important, that Cuddy begins to realize that as well...

The most noticeable clue to illustrate that point mostly resides in the look on her face during every interaction she has with Lucas (another occasion to mention the talent of Lisa Edelstein, who can convey so many different subtle emotions in one gaze) Each time she's with Lucas, she looks tired, weary, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, upset. Impatient to move on. She sighs, she pouts, she rolls her eyes in exasperation. She doesn't really look happy anymore. Not completely, that is. Disillusion is pervading her.

And the contrast with how lively, serene and even happy she is when she's with House, despite the very stressing context on that particular day, is thus twice as much striking. Because the difference, ever so subtle, is yet made conspicuous and unavoidable.

House... conspicuous and unavoidable indeed. He is there, throughout Cuddy's marathon day. Everywhere. Everytime. At her side. He understands her, he soothes her, he eases her day, he cares. He's actually everything Lucas fails to be for Cuddy. Of course, he's every one of these things in his absolute most House-ian way, which means in a flawed, capricious, challenging, provoking way, but it's the only one which seems to suits Cuddy's needs, and only hers. Everyone else around indeed seems to have a reason to complain about House, being the disturbing element and the one who creates conflict, but Cuddy, she can't help smiling whenever she runs into him during that day, may it be for pleasant or even unpleasant matters.

And the way they keep bumping into each other says everything about how much House knows her. He has this very rare and unique way of showing up in the most appropriate moments, which are the ones when Cuddy needs to loosen the stress and get rid of the tension, even when she doesn't consciously realize it. He's there to make her smile when she's low, to deliver the right pep talk, hidden behind a sarcastic remark, he's there to boost her confidence, with some of his unique sexual innuendos, he's here to instill realism and put her feet back on the ground, he's there to support her when she doubts, he's there, again, to give her the strength to hang on when she want to give up.

And what is impossible not to notice is also how he always finds her, wherever she is. And how he always knows what she just did, and what she thinks, or what question she's asking herself. Nobody reads her better than he does. No one knows her like he does. It's unquestionable but it's also probably terrifying in a way. Because it's not usual. It's not "uncomplicated". And that's why, despite this inevitable attraction that everyone perfectly perceives between them, Cuddy is still fighting, more and more unconvincingly, but still, she resists. For example, with this inimitable way House has, of always knowing what she's done or predicting her next move, better than anyone else can, Cuddy should know that he is the obvious person she should turn to for help. But she just can't give in to the idea, seeking for Wilson's advice at first, who instantly redirects her to the right person, he knows she's thinking about: "You asked House? (...) He's the master manipulator who always gets what he wants."

That's a fact Cuddy can't pretend to ignore for too long. The hours pass and the pressure goes up and she still doesn't get "her 12", so she ends up asking House, who's here, just available, once again. She isn't even consciously aware of it, but he shows up too. Yet, contrary to Lucas, House has a right timing. Where Lucas undeniably unnerves Cuddy, House unwinds her. And when she asks for his advice, although reluctantly, and despite the fact that she actually doesn't get a real answer, she however very subtly connects with him. In spite of their difference, they're very much alike. They share the same philosophy. They don't share the same means, but they both want the same thing eventually: doing what is right. Even if it's risky, even if it's stupid, even if it's dangerous even... and this thrill, this very unique desperate way of committing to a goal, they're the only ones to have it like that. That's why they understand each other so well. Anticipate each other so well. During the episode, we not only see House deciphering Cuddy's motives and reading through her, but we also see Cuddy doing that with House as well. They look each other in the eyes and they know. Instantly. What they're up to (the malaria bet for House – the ultimatum for Cuddy). So no surprises if, once again, House is there, when in a overwhelming moment of doubt and fear of failure, Cuddy takes refuge in her car to contemplate the idea of quitting. Cuddy is almost crying. It's the end of the day. She's played her cards: she'd said she would terminate if Atlanticnet insurance refused to give them a 12% increase and she has. But, contrary to what she thought it didn't change anything. So she has no other choice but to either quit or be fired. All of what she's believed in, all the principles she's been standing up for, every certainty she has about the choices she's made are questioned; and the line between her professional and personal choices is blurry in that instant. Why? Because when House enters in the car, she gives him that answer he's been craving all day about the bet he had with Lucas: "you owe Lucas the money. We were having sex when you called."

Why saying that now, in that precise moment, even more so when it's not really true, since when House paged, she and Lucas were just laboriously trying to get there, but never really actually managed to? ... I have to confess I've been bothered by this remark. I wasn't seeing any point in that, or why she would bring that up again, since it was obviously not to hurt him. But I realized that, in the context, this sad admission was just a way to show what she was thinking of herself in that moment: she's at her lowest, convinced that she's lost her job, and she doesn't even have a satisfying private life to hang on to, because as it turns out, her boyfriend made a bet about her sex life. I think it's the moment when she truly realizes that she's been used, that Lucas doesn't care about her like she'd want him to. That's the saddest moment of her day, because it's the one where she assesses how pathetic her life is. And in a way, telling House about it is also her masochistic way of saying: "Go on, say it! tell me I'm pathetic, show me how much I failed..." But House knows her thought process. He knows her guilt complex and he knows that she's at the most fragile exposure of her self. So what does he do? While he spent the whole day searching for an answer about the bet, when she finally gives it to him, he doesn't take advantage and he doesn't mock her. Instead, he chooses to bring up the clinic patient subject, the one who wanted breast milk as a prescription against cancer. The one Cuddy had said 'no' to, constrained by ethical reasons. House confesses that the patient finally found a doctor (obviously him) to have his prescription. He knows that, ethically, it's a questionable choice, but as he says: "it's worth the shot". And with that confession, he's just saying to her that she's been right to resist. She didn't fail. She followed her heart and she did what she thought was right. She doesn't need to feel low. Eventually, she stood up for her principles and that's what matters: she has every reason to be proud of her. That's his subtle reply to her moment of doubt about how pitiable and useless he instantly knew she was feeling, just by the way she confessed about the bet.

"They're not going to fire you. And you're not going to quit"

"Why not?"

"Because you're an idiot. This place needs you. That matters to you."

In the morning, when Cuddy was cheering herself up with a "you can do it.", she got a "do what?" as a 'supportive' answer from Lucas. And in the evening, when she's alone and feeling down, not even mentioning the subject of her resignation, House knows. And not only does he know what she thinks and how she feels, but he also knows what to say. Not too much, not too pushy. Just enough support to let her know he understands her, just enough teasing to make her smile, just enough selflessness to help her feel better.

And this is the relationship she has with House. This is the deep emotional connection they share. And that connection, Cuddy doesn't have it with Lucas. Because he doesn't know who she really is. He never went that deep or that far into her emotional struggles to know her as much as House does.

Who is Cuddy for real anyway? During that day, she's been repeatedly called a "b!tch", on several occasions, even by Lucas himself (!?!). Sometimes it was in an insulting threatening way (by Gail, the pharm tech) Sometimes, in an angry way, by the clinic patient, sometimes in a "bantering" way, by Lucas, who probably seriously thinks she'll find that cool… (which I doubt) and sometimes as a sort of proof of admiration, by Eli Morgan who comes to announce her she won HER bet. Even in the eyes of the staff, with the exception of the nurse who stays at her side like her assistant all day, Cuddy seems to be perceived as a cold heartless woman. And with the guy who wants to sue the hospital because of his thumb, she shows a determined, unsympathetic side. The guy is underwater with his house, but she doesn't show pity.

And yet, "underneath the facade" (that same one House wanted to break in his delusion, in "Both Sides Now") there is someone soft. Cuddy is not that cold heartless woman she appears to be, for those who only observe her on the surface. The real Cuddy is someone, very few people can see, or have access to. It's the one, trying to slow down her breath in the elevator to calm down her fear; it's the one pacing up and down the stairway to fight her moment of doubt; it's the one hiding in her car, almost crying, overwhelmed by emotions, it's the one who tears up the check the "thumb guy" left in her office. it's the one so genuinely relieved to hear that her daughter is fine.

And after "5 to 9", what we know for sure is that even the one who shares intimacy with Cuddy doesn't necessarily know that woman. In "Teamwork", Lucas has (already) bragged about the fact that she "was acting all cool in front of Wilson, but was feeling comfortable enough with him to freak out" but it's sadly proven its limit now, the real thing Cuddy craves, is not to be able to freak out freely. It's just to be understood. And, among the four elements that compose her life, who better than House can do that?

Rachel is too young to get her mom already, PPTH is too preoccupied about business' matters to see her human side, Lucas is too self-centered to get what she really wants and give it to her... there is just House left. And he's annoying, and childish, and inappropriate, and selfish too. But he's there. He understands her. He cares. He helps her. He soothes her. He makes her proud of herself. He's supportive. Because he's the only one who knows the two Cuddy: personal AND professional. He's the only one who knows her fully.

"You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us... Actually your eyes tell us nothing because we're looking at your boobs… which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't have a clue. What you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable...”

Season 4 "No More Mister Nice Guy". Not one word is missing to describe the Cuddy we witness through episode "5 to 9". The most accurate portrayal of her, and of course, it's made by House: the best proof of respect and love he can give to her (in Houseland, that is). And the best proof for us viewers, that despite the appearances. It's not the closest one who's got the best access to the real Cuddy. House does. And that's her he loves, fully, above and underneath the surface. It is to that woman he smiles, proudly, when she announces her victory at the end of the day.

So the day's gone by in full circle. We see Cuddy lying in bed again, but this time she doesn't look stressed-out. All her attention is gathered on the first element of her life, the steadiest: her daughter. The second element, her work, gave her the opportunity to win another battle and she feels proud. She's regained her self-esteem. She smiles and while she's leisurely stroking Rachel's back with that proud smile on her lips, it's obvious that she will never willingly get rid of those two elements.

So what's left then? Lucas and House. All this agitation she had to live through has proven her one thing: the equilibrium between the four elements in her life is fragile. It's complicated and stressful to deal with the four of them all at once. And she knows the time to make a choice is getting close, but since she will sacrifice neither her daughter nor her job.. what does she wants? Lucas or House? Lucas, of course (he's still the boyfriend!..) is here by her side and he spoons her, possessively grabbing her butt with his hand. But exclusively focused on her daughter, her first gut feeling is to remove it and free herself from his grab. Yet, probably due to the feeling of fulfillment, the pride of the personal accomplishment, the relief, the stillness of the moment and the "you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time" outweigh this first instinctual reaction and she takes Lucas' hand to put it back on her butt. After all, she's desperate to make things right, she's stubborn and she doesn't want to admit failure.

So is that it? No, because at 9pm, the last element of her life makes another sounding and meddling apparition and interrupts this so-called perfect little moment via the ringtone of her blackberry (because, of course, it's House calling then...) And just like in the morning, the four elements in her life are again united. But this time, when the phone rings, instead of picking it up for her, Lucas just asks if "she's gonna get that?" (note that he doesn't say: answer, or take it, or pick up, but get that, creating an obvious metaphor, addressed to the viewers about Huddy possible future and Cuddy's upcoming necessary choice) And by the way Cuddy smiles and unexpectedly directly stares straight into the camera's eye, planting a mischievous gaze right into ours... it seems that she is answering to us. And with her silent smile, she makes it obvious that the answer can no longer be "ignore it"... not after the day she just lived...

SO, YES CUDDY! GO GET THAT!...

[however, I have to point out this little detail that may seem insignificant but can't remain unacknowleged for too long. The one roadblock that necessarily must question Cuddy in the equation and delay her choice: Rachel, the first element. The one that can't be ignored for anyone who wants to be part of her life... even if he's undeniably clumsy and clueless and annoying, Lucas has accepted Rachel. He passed the test. Whereas, despite the unquestionable connection between House and Cuddy, in "5 to 9" House never mentions Rachel to her. So, either it means that, knowing she's sick and that it's clearly a source of worry for Cuddy, he deliberately chooses not to to burden her more by bringing up the subject, or it means that Rachel is not an element House is ready (willing?) to take into account yet. And I would certainly hope it's option 1, because no matter how close House and Cuddy are, if it's option 2, and as long as it'll be, then the door to enter Cuddy's life will remain close...]

PS: on a side note, I can't resist to point out the analogy I saw between the Atlanticnet insurance plotline and the very recent buzz there was between Fox and Time Warner Cable during the Christmas Holidays. I don't know... I thought there were some funny similarities between the two issues... :-)

http://forums.fox.com/foxhouse/messages?msg=54505.1

SEASON 4:

4x01 Alone 14.13
4x02 The Right Stuff 04.33
4x03 97 seconds 03.05
4x04 Guardian Angels 03.50
4x05 Mirror Mirror 03.59
4x06 Whatever It Takes 01.40
4x07 Ugly 06.44
4x08 You Don't Want To Know 04.18
4x09 Games 06.02
4x10 It's A Wonderful Lie 00.38
4x11 Frozen 00.59
4x12 Don't Ever Change 04.17
4x13 No More Mr. Nice Guy 04.06
4x14 Living The Dream 11.13
4x15 House's Head 11.50
4x16 Wilson's Heart 05.01
TOTAL 92.46


SEASON 5:

5x01 Dying Changes Everything 07.47
5x02 Not Cancer 01.51
5x03 Adverse Events 06.35
5x04 Birthmarks 01.19
5x05 Lucky Thirteen 02.08
5x06 Joy 20.50
5x07 The Itch 12.55
5x08 Emancipation 01.13
5x09 Last Resort 07.28
5x10 Let Them Eat Cake 10.39
5x11 Joy To The World 18.16
5x12 Painless 07.36
5x13 Big Baby 13.01
5x14 The Greater Good 05.13
5x15 Unfaithful 08.50
5x16 The Softer Side 11.41
5x17 The Social Contract 01.36
5x18 Here Kitty 03.37
5x19 Locked In 01.06
5x20 Simple Explanation 05.47
5x21 Saviors 03.05
5x22 House Divided 04.02
5x23 Under My Skin 08.43
5x24 Both Sides Know 13.02
TOTAL 178.33


SEASON 6:

6x01-6x02 00.00
6x03 Epic Fail 05.02
6x04 The Tyrant 02.14
6x05 Instant Karma 08.45
6x06 Brave Heart 03.42
6x07 Known Unknows 09.28
6x08 Teamwork 03.49
6x09 Ignorance Is Bliss 07.48
6x10 Wilson 02.45
6x11 The Down Low 01.45
6x12 Remorse 02.10
6x13 Moving The Chains 02.40
6x14 5 To 9 42.32
6x15 Private Lives 01.55
6x16 Black Hole 00.40
6x17 Lockdown 05.45
6x18 Knight Fall 02.54
6x19 Open And Shut 01.27
6x20 The Choice 02.20
6x21 Baggage 03.05
6x22 Help Me 09.54
TOTAL 118.42