4.01: Alone
Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."
House: "Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?"
House: "Are you a fan of symmetry?"
Doctor: "Sure."
House: "Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts."
House: "By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."
4.02: The Right Stuff
Patient: "I'm a Captain in the Air Force, about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program."
House: "I discovered salt and created FM radio."
House: "Paging me during Judge Judy... not a good way to win my affections."
House: "Luckily violence isn't the last resort. Extortion is."
House: "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people."
House: "I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they're already fired."
4.03: 97 Seconds
House: (to Cuddy) "I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen that closely."
4.04: Guardian Angels
House: "I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."
House: "Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from getting buried."
Cuddy: "The doctor's lounge is covered in mud."
House: "Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello."
4.05: Mirror Mirror
House: "Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight."
House: "Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy."
House: "Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals and immune system's the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it'll make us both happy."
House: "So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication."
4.06: Whatever It Takes
House: "Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle."
House: "My malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies."
House: (to Wilson) "You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but..."
House: "My friends call me 'The Cane', even before I messed up my leg."
4.07: Ugly
House: "Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?"
House: "My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors."
House: "I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams."
4.08: You Don't Want to Know
House: "You have to leave work by 6 p.m., but you make time for man dates?"
House: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick..."
House: "I noticed a trend. If no one does anything, sick people often get sicker."
House: "You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds."
4.09: Games
House: "There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there?"
House: "Doctor Cuddy! The face that launched a thousand long faces."
House: "Pretty sure there's no irony-body connection. But it'd be ironic if there was."
4.10: It's a Wonderful Lie
House: "He lied. Homie knows better, Hymie doesn't care, and Huntington's would have done a better job."
Foreman: "Why would you..."
House: "Because I got sued when I called you Honeybuns."
House: "This is going to be difficult. I know almost nothing of alien physiology."
House: "Lies are like children. They're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them."
House: "Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."
House: "I remembered I'm not a Satanist. I'm a druid."
4.11: Frozen
House: "Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages."
House: "Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, I don't want anything to do with it."
4.12: Don't Ever Change
Amber: "And I call you Greg because we are now social equals."
House: "And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."
House: (to Wilson) "This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality! You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God. You're sleeping with me."
4.13: No More Mr. Nice Guy
House: (to Chase) "I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."
House: "Thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death."
Amber: (to Wilson) "Have fun on your play date. You've got mommy's number, right?"
House: "Daddy needs a drink."
House: "I like Cuddy. Or parts of her."
House: "It's a pretty simple string of logic, actually. You make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."
House: "So, syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."
4.14: Living the Dream
House: (to Wilson) "Pack your manhood on ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it."
House: "As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like... Can't think of any."
4.15: House's Head
House: "I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got MADD!"
House: "I need time for my brain to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey."
Cuddy: "You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?"
House: "Don't blame me, blame my gender."
Wilson: "What are you running away from?"
House: "When I'm drinking without you, what am I running away from? Hmmm, one of those imponderables."
House: "The other nurse always used to tuck me in."
Cuddy: "I'll be on the couch ...with a shotgun on my lap."
4.16: Wilson's Heart
Taub: "I need to know if there's anything medically relevant that you couldn't share publicly?"
House: "Is this a philanderer's anonymous intervention?"
Doctor: "Her heart won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it."
House: "Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?"
Amber: "Self-pity isn't like you."
House: "No, well, I'm branching out from self-loathing and self-destruction."
House: "I had a heart attack this morning, can't do any more drugs till lunch."
House: "A blow-up doll would be more useful. And yes, that's the first time I've ever implied something negative about a blow-up doll."
Thirteen: "Maybe it's an allergic reaction to the interferon."
House: "Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you take it."
Kutner: "What did House have to say?"
Thirteen: "He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife."
Wilson: "Why aren't you angry?"
Amber: "That's not the last feeling I want to experience."
