Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Hugh Laurie!

[ the audience cheers loudly ]

Hugh Laurie: [ over the applause ] Thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - I am very excited to be here hosting this great show --

[ suddenly, what is now noticed to be canned applause, fades and quiets ]

-- in this great city, in this great and venerable building! Very, very, very excited, uh - I would be more excited if I weren't also slightly medicated. [ scattered laughter ] But, uh, even so - you see, it's a huge honor -- uh, and I thank you. Now, uh - introductions. As the nice man said, my name is Hugh Laurie. Uh -- [ the audience bursts into applause ] Of course, I would genuinely love to know all your names, uhh - it's not really a profitable use of our time is it? Uh, so, instead, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call you, collectively, Sweet Cheeks. If that's alright. [ the audience chortles ]

Uh - now, Sweet Cheeks - if you know me at all, it's, perhaps, as the curmudgeonly, misanthrope "House", from the TV show of that name. [ the audience cheers ] Goodness! How did that drop out of the conversation, I wonder? Uh - but in real life, the trith is I'm neither misanthropic or curmudgeonly. Um - in real life, I am.. [ thinking ] I am.. daffodils. [ soft music fills the background ] I'm the morning dew. I am.. the laughter of children. I'm the smell of freshly-baked bread. I'm the postman's cheery "Good morning." I'm the yelp of a puppy, free from the microwave. [ the audience gasps ] I am.. chicken-fed corn. The seven of clubs that fills the inside straight. I'm the grateful twinkle in your grandmother's eyes, as you reverse the tractor off her legs. I am sugar, spice, and all things nice. I'm the click on an empty chamber, whenit's your turn at Russian Roulette. I am hope.. love.. mankind.. the world. I am.. everything. [ a beat ] It's called lithium, by the way, if you're interested. Some side effects, but otherwise it's absolutely excellent.

Now, uh - Sweet Cheeks! Uh, before "House", I had a long and very theatrical career. My Bottom was much in demand at the royal Shakespeare Company in the late 80's. Uh - although I didn't actually do "Midsummer Night's Dream" until 1994. [ the audience laughs with a spirit of mild confusion ] Uh - heh! That was a Shakespeare joke, and, frankly, not a good one!

Um - now, Sweet Cheeks, if you're half as sharp as I think you are, I'm sure you'll be thinking - and you will, you will notice that I am English. Um - yeah. And, uh -- bu, now, some of you may be thinking, "Well, hold on! English is a language! How can you be a language?" But you see - it so happens that English.. is also a nationality! Allow me to explain. [ glances to his side ] Uh - can I have a map, please? Yes. Thank you. [ a United States map is wheeled forward; Laurie looks around with confusion ] A map with England on it would have been preferable. That's okay - never mind, never mind. [ stands next to the map ] Okay. So that means England would be.. about right where my right nipple is. Um, if I had one. But that's a long story. Uh - no, actually, let's just forget the map. [ pushes it away ]

Uh - so what can you expect from an Englishman hosting an American comedy show? Well, firstly - humour! Uh - with a "u", because.. that's how we spell it over there. Uh - and when I say "humour", I mean overly elaborate puns that may take you days to understand, with very little payoff. Uh - there'll be many sketches about - or regarding - bad teeth. Uh - you'll be hearing "By jove" a lot. "Jolly good." And, of course, "bollocks." Uh - it will rain at some point during the show. And every sketch will be served with peas. Please! Don't try to plug in your hairdryers, because it will start an electrical fire.

And, last, but not least - Beck is here! So, Sweet Cheeks, stick around, we'll be right back!

Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.

(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)

Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?

John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.

Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He's crying out. I've been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every -- everyone else, stay there.

Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?

Stuart: Ready.

Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?

Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!

Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!

(Extremely loud fart sound is heard - loud laughter from audience)

Stuart: What was that?

Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?

John: Yeah, I did.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.

Yvette: No, I'm sure that wasn't it! Do we have playback on that?

John: Well, let me check.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don't bother, don't bother.

John: Got it.

(Fart sound is played back)

Yvette: Let's hear it again.

(Sound plays again - laughter from audience)

Yvette: Oh my God!

Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!

John: I'm calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.

Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It -- it sounded more like a, like a... very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That's what it sounded like to me.

Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!

(Sound plays again - more laughter)

Derek Acorah: Look, look...this..this is an old castle. It's probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.

Yvette: It's like a spirit is trying to tell us something.

John: You know, I can slow it down...

Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let's see if it's the boy trying to communicate with us.

John: Here it is...

(Sound plays slowly - extremely loude laughter from audience)

(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)

Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?

Stuart: Let's hear it again.

(Sound plays slowly - more laughter)

Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?

John: Let me hear it again, but slower.

(Sound plays very, very slow - more laughter from audience)

John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, "WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?"

Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!

Yvette: But there's so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?

Stuart: I'm gonna need some light.

(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)

Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up...Got it!

(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. - Laughter and applause from audience)

Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.

Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?

Derek Acorah: Oh, please!

(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion - more laughter and applause)

Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?

Stuart: The spirit's energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.

Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.

Yvette: Oh my God! As I'm approaching you, Derek, there's an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!

John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I'm getting light headed!!!

Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!

Yvette: Because we're bloody paranormal investigators!

Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You've solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!

Child's voice in background: Julian!

Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let's leave. Definitely. Alright.

[ open on exterior, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel ]

[ fade to interior, main lobby, as Concierge greets Mr. Smythe-Pennington ]

Concierge: Mr. Smythe-Pennington?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: How do you do?

Concierge: I cannot tell you how excited we are to have the Queen staying here!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, only half as happy as her Majesty is to be staying here, I'm sure.

Concierge: Now, you are - and I hope I'm saying this right - an equerry?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. I arrive a day before the Queen, just to make sure that everything will be to her liking. Now, did you get my fax of requests?

Concierge: Yes. And I am happy to say that we just finished the last of it. Um - every light bulb in her suite has been replaced with a 40-watt bulb.. uh, the soaps you have sent are unwrapped and in the bathroom.. and we have just hung the last of the Renoir prints.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty thanks you. Now, if I may - um. [ pulls Concierge aside, privately ] I do have a few final requests, regarding the Queen's more.. unique quirks and piccadillos.

Concierge: I promise you - there's nothing we won't do to make Your Majesty's stay comfortable.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! Now, the reason I don't include the following requests in the fax is that they require and added layer of discretion. Am I understood?

Concierge: Yes. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ attempts to put his glasses on, but the left arm won't cooperate in going properly over his left ear ] Fortunately, they're just an affectation. [ audience cracks up ] Excellent! Well, firstly, uh - please remove all sheets, and replace them with rubber sheets.

Concierge: R-rubber sheets?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Do you think you can find some?

Concierge: Um.. yes. Of course. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Good. Now, the Queen may have one or two friends over --

Concierge: Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: -- so, please procure forty bottles of Belvedere vodka.. and place them on every flat surface in the room, with the cap half-twisted off. Make sure there is no distance greater than eight meters between bottles.

Concierge: I'm gonna write this down.. [ grabs a pad and pen ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Do you have mini-refrigerators?

Concierge: Uh - that, we have.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! We'll put the mini-refrigerator in a separate room. Fill that room with other mini-pieces of furniture, like.. mini-tables.. mini-chairs.

Concierge: [ writing ] I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, after a long day of appearances, Her Majesty likes to unwind by pretending she is a giant. And will go to that room to smash things. When you hear the smashing, send two hotel security guards to the room. Make sure they are midgets. When the Queen answers the door, have the midgets run away, screaming, "Oh, no! It's the giant, Glombo! Run, run!"

Concierge: Okay! [ chuckles ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: At no point is anyone in your staff to make direct eye contact with the Queen.

Concierge: I will let them know.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She prefers, instead, that they make direct eye contact with her breasts. And, when addressing her, begin every sentence with the words "Homina, homina!"

Concierge: "Homina, homina?"

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty will also accept: "Owww-oooooga!"

Concierge: Got it.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Now, Her Majesty loves American TV.

Concierge: Great!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Uh, but she deplores American accents. So you need to hire British actors to re-record the dialogue for all shows on TV each night.

Concierge: Uh, what shows does she watch?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She flips around.

Concierge: We have over sixty channels.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And yet, there is only one Queen, and so many hotels to choose from.

Concierge: Understood.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Please screw in two hooks to the ceiling above the shower. Each should be able to sustain the weight of a two-hundred pound man.

Concierge: [ confused ] Hooks?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And I do believe that is it.

Concierge: I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you have to do this at every hotel?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Everywhere except France, where most of it is there already.

Concierge: Well, we are very excited!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Thank you. Oh, and one other thing: Her Majesty does not trust safes. So she keeps all her valuables.. in the toilet.

Concierge: And what - what do I need to do about that?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ hands money to her ] Well, you need to take this four-hundred pounds, and keep it, with my apology, to whoever cleans out the safe.

Concierge: [ understood ] I see.. okay.. yes..

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: But, most importantly, just remember - she's a regular person, just like anyone else. [ smiles ]

Concierge: Great. Will you be here when she arrives?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Absolutely not. Good day. [ exits, leaving Concierge greatly confused ]

[ fade ]

Hugh Laurie: This is a protest song. [ blows on a harmonica attached to his neck ]

[ singing ]

"Well, the poor keep getting hungry, and the rich keep getting fat
Politicians change, but they're never gonna change that.
Girl, we got the answer, it's so easy you won't believe
All we gotta do is.. [ mumbles incoherently ]

Well, the winds of war are blowin', and the tide is comin' in
Don't you be hopin' for the good times, because the good times have already been.
But, girl, we got the answer, it's so easy you won't believe
All we gotta do is.. [ mumbles incoherently ]

It's so easy, to see
If only they'd listen, to you and me.
We got to.. [ mumbles incoherently ] as fast as we can
We got to.. [ mumbles incoherently ] every woman, every man
We got to.. [ mumbles incoherently ] time after time
We got to.. [ mumbles incoherently ] vodka and lime.

Well, the world is gettin' weary, and it wants to go to bed
Everybody's dyin', except the ones who are already dead.
Girl, we got the answer, starin' us right in the face
All we gotta do is
All we gotta do is
All we gotta do is."

[ pauses, then blows on the harmonica and finishes ]

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Hugh Laurie: Thank you.

[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]

Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?

Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?

Doctor: Me. Uh.. I'm the attending Doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don't have to tell them your name!

Doctor: Well.. it's on your chart here.

Dallas Rivers: So?!

Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!

Doctor: Well, I've seen many of these before, I'm, uh.. I'm a doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: Uh -- doc-tor!

Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!

Doctor: Sir, I don't know what kind of doctors you've had in the past, but I'm the resident Doctor.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.

Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!

Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?

Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they're just practicing.

Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]

Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]

Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin' --

Doctor: Okay, what I need is --

[ the Nurse enters ]

Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..

Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!

Mrs. Rivers: He didn't do NOTHIN'!!

Dallas Rivers: Ah, it's ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there's gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl's gonna put a LIST'NIN' device in my SA-MO-AS!!

Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don't buy dem cookies!

Dallas Rivers: I WON'T!! I won't NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]

Nurse: Fine. It's your leg.

Mrs. Rivers: No! It's your leg!

[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]

Nurse: And who are you, Sir?

Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I'm his wife!

[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]

Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I'm trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You're not gonna be shootin' ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?

Mrs. Rivers: We can't get pregnant.

Dallas Rivers: We.. can't.. get.. pregnant! It's a TRAGEDY!!

Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.

Doctor: Okay, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just calm down.. I'm gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let 'im OUTTA here!!

Doctor: Okay, I can't do that, you need medical attention.

Dallas Rivers: No, I don't! Man, you know what I'm about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I'm sayin'? C'mon, baby, let's get outta here, this ain't no hospital --

[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]

Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!

Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!

Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!

Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..

Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don't trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they're crazy, maybe they're ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don't measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!

[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]

[ dissolve to title card: "Brought to you by the American Medical Association" ]

Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: "The Curse of Frankenstein." They still do these late night movie things, right?

[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein's castle ]

[ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ]

[ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein's castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]

Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He's right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer!

[ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein's Monster steps through the door ]

Villager !: There he is! The Monster!

Frankenstein's Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?

Crowd: YES!!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?

Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?

Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!

Frankenstein's Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh -- [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.

Head Villager: Across the moor?

Frankenstein's Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's, uh - a big castle.. uh, it's got those, uh -- [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh --

Head Villager: You mean birch trees?

Frankenstein's Monster: Yeah. Whatever.

Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.

[ Frankenstein's Monster shrugs vacantly ]

Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite directino from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Dracula's door ]

Dracula: He said what?! I'm Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I'm sorry, guys - I think someone's messin' with ya'. I'm Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow's peak. Frankenstein's, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.

Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!

Villager #1: Yeah!

Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on - what did this guy look like?

Villager #1: He was TALL!

Dracula: Right, right, okay - what else?

Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!

Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?

Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!

Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck - yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that's Frankenstein!

Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we've made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!

Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein's door ]

Frankenstein's Monster: Well, uh.. he's a li-ar! That's what!

Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?

Frankenstein's Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey - my dog died last year, why don't you make a few jokes about that?!

Villager #1: He's a mon-sterrrr!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Frankenstein's Monster: Hey, now we're name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You're all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?

Head Villager: Well, how do we know you're not Frankenstein's Monster?

Frankenstein's Monster: How do I know you're not Frankenstein's Monster, you freakin' genius?! I mean -- [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude - get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard - you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!

Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you're the monster!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I'm not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein's Monster ] Look at 'im! He's got a square head and green skin!

Frankenstein's Monster: Oh, great - now it's a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here's the deal: I'm a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that - be my guest!

Head Villager: Well, I'm sorry. We - we shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. We'll leave you alone.

Frankenstein's Monster: Uh - how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it -- [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh --

Crowd: KILL HIM!!!

[ the villagers storm forward ]

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: We'll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven't done these things in, like, twenty years..

Bowles: Your resume looks great, Rebecca.

Linder: Oh, yeah. You are more than qualified.

Rebecca: Thank you. I'm just happy to be considered.

Linder: You should be. Linder & Bowles its the largest, most powerful full service law firm in Connecticut.

Rebecca: Oh, I know.

Bowles: So it says here that you went to Columbia?

Rebecca: I studied economics, yes.

Linder: Economics, mmmm.

Bowles: Then you moved to Illinois. Where were you?

Rebecca: Schaumberg.

Bowles: Mmmm. Sounds fancy.

Rebecca: It was ok. I was just working for an insurance company.

Bowles: Oh, really? What did you do there?

Rebecca: Legal assistant.

Linder: Legal assistant? Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Bowles: Legal assistant.

Rebecca: Yeah, my duties were answering phones and filing.

Linder: Oooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: It wasn't a big deal. Just secretarial stuff.

Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!! Now tell us, what qualifications you feel you'll bring to our firm?

Rebecca: Well, let's see. I'm bright.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Rebecca: And I'm a quick study.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm a people person.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm focused.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Oh, lets see. What else? Oh, yeah. I'm punctual.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Conscientious.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: Good with clients.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I listen---

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: ---and ok, that's it. That's it.

Bowles: That's it? Come on, Rebecca. Just tell us one more positive thing about yourself.

Rebecca: One more thing?

Linder: Yes, please.

Rebecca: Umm...[Linder & Bowles eagerly wait for it, mouths puckered for their childish "Oooooeeeooohh!!"] I really don't mind working long----

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: ---hours.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That, that thing that you're doing.

Linder: What's that?

Rebecca: That "Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!" Is that a good thing?

Linder: Yes, yeah.

Rebecca: Oh, ok. Great, so I guess---

[Phone rings]

Bowles: Excuse me.[picks up]This is Bowles. Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!! Oooooooeeeeooohh!! Indictment. Oooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!! Ok, I'll put him on.[passes phone to Linder]

Linder: Howard Linder. What?! Oooooooeeeeeeooooohh!! Ok. Bye-bye.[hangs up]

Bowles: Well....

Rebecca: Ok, well...

Bowles: You're hired. Welcome to Linder & Bowles.

Rebecca: Oh, my God! I'm gonna be working at Linder & Bowles! Oooooooeeeeeooooohh!!

[It goes horribly wrong]

Linder: I'm sorry, what was that?

Rebecca: Ooooooeeeoooohh!! You know, oooeeeooohh.

Bowles: Are you being sarcastic?

Linder: Yeah, it sounds like you're making fun of us or something.

Rebecca: No, no,no, I was just excited, ooohhh.

Bowles: You know, Rebecca. I think we are going to have to do a little more thinking on this. I'm sorry.

Rebecca: Oh, wow, ok, me too.

Linder: Just get out. Go! Get out! yeah, get out. Walk! There you go.

[Stunned Rebecca gets up and leaves]

Rebecca: I know how to walk.

Linder: There you go. Well, that's a shame.

Bowles: Damn shame.

Linder: What are you doing for lunch?

Bowles: How about Casa Mexicana?

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!!!

[Cheers and applause]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don't trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they're crazy, maybe they're ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don't measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you

ещё обидней тем, кто не спикает... близок локоть... *скрипит зубами*

кто возьмется

переведи лучше сперва это: http://house-md.net.ru/forum/45-51-214138-16-1228037960

пишет, там откровения!

Он так редко позволяет расколоть себя на эмоции.

(Opens with a sign announcing a wedding. Banquet Hall B. Culhane Wedding. Cut to the wedding. A 50 ish woman with thick eyeglasses makes a toast to the newly married couple Tina and David)

Aunt Jonie: (mic in hand) ...and I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie, heh! But I just, I just wanna say that David and Tina, I´m so happy that you have found each other because you deserve nothing but happiness. And I love you guys. (raises glass)

All: Awwwwww.

(Emcee is a young guy in a tuxedo)

Emcee: (gets the mic back) That´s very nice. Very, very nice. All right, we have had a long, long night of toasts that seems like everyone had something to say, tonight. But we´re gonna move on and now its time to get up and boogie. So we´re gonna-- (a man with unkempt hair and a cheap suit whispers on the emcee´s ear) Oh, what did you say? (more whispering) Absolutely, sure. Yes, ok, one last toast. Final toast, here we go.

(Emcee gives the mic to Bob)

Bob Kemp: I´m sure a lot of you know me. I´m Bob Kemp. I have been friends with Tina´s dad for, uh, how long has it been? Gus? How long has it been? Nick? How long has it been? How long has it been? Steven? Kevin? How long has it been? How long has it been? I´ll be back.

(gives mic to the emcee)

Emcee: Ok, all right. That was great. Ok,(a young long-haired dude steps up to the emcee) Last toast, last toast.(gives the guy the mic)

Ex-boyfriend: Yeah. So, Tina look, we ended bad. Yes, that´s right, ex-boyfriend to the bride at the wedding! Congratulations. David seems to have a lot of money. You know, uh, Tina I was thinking about the last time we had sex. Something wasn´t right. I don´t mean physically, physically... physically was great. (newlyweds are uncomfortable) So passionate, so glorious, so inventive. It was always great. We never had a problem in that department. But we´ve all moved on. I moved on and sure I still think about you when I make love and I´m sure you do too. So, uh, have fun.

(Ex gives mic back to emcee)

Emcee: Ok, great. There we go, wow, ok so...the toasts are now officially---(a woman with an oxygen tank and tubes down her nose goes to the emcee) Hi.

(emcee gives her the mic)

Gayle: Hey. (breaths heavy into the mic) My name is Gayle. The boss of the groom. I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home. In fact if anyone has a car that will fit me and my oxygen tank, we´re in business. Ugh, I have to pee so bad! I gotta end this speech now.

(hands back mic to emcee)

Emcee: Ok, great. All right, ok, thank you Gayle. Ok, so now its time to go dancing...(Bob comes back) Yeah, ok sure. This is it. No more after this. (emcee gives him the mic)

Bob Kemp: Ok, I think I figured it out. I believe Tina´s dad and me been friends for 32 years. I came to this number because I had a Corvette for 1967, 1968. Then I got a Datsun, I must´ve had that Datsun until...let´s say 1974. (emcee walks behind him desperate, hands in his head) Then came the Fiat, well anyway, I met Dave in between the Datsun and the Corvette. No, it was before the Corvette. Or was it the beetle? Ok, I´ll be back.

(Emcee gets the mic, losing patience)

Emcee: Ok, uh, all right. Thank you. Ok, now we only got 15 minutes left to dance...(a guy snatches the mic off the emcee´s hands)

Obnoxious guy: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?! (drops mic to the floor, causing feedback, walks away)

(emcee picks mic up)

Emcee: What the hell is that? Sorry about that. I don´t know who that is. (a guy with blond hair and silver sunglasses walks up to the emcee) Oh, (whispers to the guy) You´re killing me, you´re killing me. Ok, here we go. Final one.

(emcee gives him the mic)

Friend of a cousin: I´m a friend of a cousin. This is such a great, great time for love. Why wouldn´t it be? It´s winter time. Chestnuts are roasting as they say. Its also the dawn of a new political era. And I think a great mistake´s been made with this Obama. But love endures, love heals, love will help tamper the effects of putting a black man in Office. Love abides, love abides. To the two of you, a great couple. A great white couple. I wish you the best. I wish you put simply, love.

(emcee close by to end it)

Emcee: Love, love. All right.

(Bob gets the mic back. Emcee is furious with himself)

Bob Kemp: Ok, I got it, I got it. It was 27 years, cause I wasn´t factoring in my Dodge Aztec. Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Le Baron at one point. Which when I look back at all the cars, it is probably the most reliable car I have ever owned. Yeah. So, here´s to the couple. From someone whose been married 7 times. Let me tell you. Keep your books separate.

(Emcee gets the mic back)

Emcee: Ok, great. Ok everybody. Get up now, we´re going over to the dance floor. Time to boogie.

(Gayle approaches the emcee)

Gayle: Can I say one more thing?

Emcee: No, no, no, no. Hit it, DJ!

(Techno music plays)

Gayle: There´s a BODY in the bathroom!!

Emcee: What?!

(Gayle dances weakly, guests get ready to leave)

(cheers and applause)

(Fade)